Author Topic: Joke Time :)  (Read 610 times)

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Offline Hardman

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Joke Time :)
« on: June 05, 2015, 05:31:14 PM »
 :)

A somewhat better mix than usual, don't blame me they just appear in the inbox :)



            The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner. Talk about Dyson with death.


            I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin, 3 hours later and they're still walking about with it.

            I thought to myself, they've lost the plot!!


            My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were £70!!! Blow this, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web.

            I was at an ATM yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance, so I pushed her over.

            I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea move.

            I was driving this morning when I saw a parked RAC van.  The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable. I thought to myself, that guy's heading for a breakdown.

            Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarfs are not Happy.

            My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning, can you believe that, 2:30am?!  Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.


            Paddy says "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador ."Blow that" says Mick, "have you seen how many of their owners go blind?"

            My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.

            I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said she would like to come back as a cow.   I said "You're obviously not listening."

            The wife has been missing a week now.  Police said to prepare for the worst. So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.

            Two Muslims have crashed a speedboat into the Thames barrier in London ....
            Police think it might be the start of Ram-a-dam.

            I sat opposite an Indian lady on the train today - she shut her eyes and stopped breathing. I thought she was dead, until I saw the red spot on her forehead and realised she was just on standby.

            The wife was counting all the 5ps and 10ps out on the kitchen table when she suddenly got very angry and started shouting and crying for no reason. I thought to myself, "She's going through the change."

             

             When I was in the pub I heard a couple of plonkers saying that they wouldn't feel safe on an aircraft if they knew the pilot was a woman.  What a pair of sexists. I mean, it's not as if she'd have to reverse the effing thing!


            Local Police hunting the 'knitting needle nutter', who has stabbed six people in the rear in the last 48 hours, believe the attacker could be following some kind of pattern.

            Bought some 'rocket salad' yesterday but it went off before I could eat it!

            Murphy says to Paddy, "What ya talkin into an envelope for?"  "I'm sending a voicemail ya thick eejit !"

            Just got back from my mate's funeral. He died after being hit on the head with a tennis ball.  It was a lovely service.

            19 Irishmen go to the cinema, the ticket lady asks "Why so many of you?"
            Mick replies, "The film said 18 or over."

             
Cheers
 

 
Politically incorrect?  You betcha!!!  :-)




Offline Wallacey

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Re: Joke Time :)
« Reply #1 on: June 06, 2015, 11:24:30 AM »
Some bloody rippers there!
Whatever

Offline Rybags

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Re: Joke Time :)
« Reply #2 on: June 06, 2015, 03:04:22 PM »
Yep, read yesterday, some good ones in there.
Will have to see if I can dig some out to add myself.

Offline Wallacey

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Re: Joke Time :)
« Reply #3 on: June 06, 2015, 04:03:21 PM »
How do you fit 50 poms in a mini?

Make one the foreman and the rest will crawl up his arse.
Whatever

Offline Hardman

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Re: Joke Time :)
« Reply #4 on: June 06, 2015, 05:32:08 PM »
:)

How do you get an elephant in a mini?

Tell the foreman he's needed on the picket line.

Cheers
Politically incorrect?  You betcha!!!  :-)




Offline Wallacey

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Re: Joke Time :)
« Reply #5 on: June 06, 2015, 06:58:50 PM »
Good one HM, never heard that before  rofl

 :-*
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Offline Hardman

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Re: Joke Time :)
« Reply #6 on: June 13, 2015, 03:51:01 PM »
 rofl rofl

Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife. Tearfully she explained “It’s the pharmacist. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone”.

Immediately the husband drove to confront the guy and demand an apology. Before he could say more than a few words, the pharmacist interjected, “Now, just a minute, please listen to my side of it”.

“This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, just to realise that I locked the house with both house and car keys inside. I had to break a window to get my keys. Then, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket.

Later, about three blocks from the pharmacy, I had a flat tyre. When I got to the store there was a bunch of people waiting for me to open up. I opened and started serving these people, and all the time the darn phone was ringing off the hook.

Then I had to break a roll of twenty cent pieces against the cash register drawer to make change and they spilled all over the floor. I got down on my hands and knees to pick up the coins; the phone was still ringing. When I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with bunch of perfume bottles on it… All of them hit the floor and broke.

Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing non-stop and I finally got to answer it. It was your wife. She wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer

… And, honestly mate, all I did was tell her!”

:)

Cheers
Politically incorrect?  You betcha!!!  :-)